Jailbird
by AngryMustard
Summary: "Or it's a brutal mugger! Quick, Stevie, defensive position; protect my face!" Set in How to Rock a Part-Time Job.


"How goes it, jailbird?"

"Stevie! You're here!"

"Good observation skills."

"I thought I was gonna be locked in here forever!"

"It's a mall jail, Zander, not county prison."

"That doesn't matter! I'm not meant for jail! My facial structure is too angelic!"

"I don't think your cheekbones are considered when you're trialled…"

"Well that's just stupid."

"You're such an egomaniac."

"Big words have no meaning to me, Stevie."

"You love yourself _way _too much."

"When you see these muscles everyday and are blessed with an amazing singing voice like mine, you can't help but love yourself."

"You stare at your own muscles? That's pathetic, Z."

"I've seen you gazing at my abs loads of times, don't deny it. You secretly agree that I was chiselled by Greek gods."

"You do remember that I can walk out of that door and leave you here, right?"

"But you wouldn't do that because you _love_ me."

"I said that I loved you _guys_, as in the _whole_ of Gravity 5."

"Sure you did."

"Okay, I'm gone!"

"No! Stevie comeback! I'll be an easy target!"

"The room is completely empty except for us two, Zander."

"Someone could come in! I've heard stories about jail, Stevie, and they're nothing like fairytales…"

"You're going to be in here for a couple of hours at maximum, barely enough time for anything to happen to you."

"A violent thug could walk in anytime now; you have to be here to protect me."

"Getting me to act as your human shield; how gentleman-like of you."

"I'd try my best to talk them out of beating you into a pulp but you might have to take one for the team…"

"I'm really feeling the love right now, Z."

"Come on, you know that you're my best friend."

"Lucky me."

"Careful, Steve, you seem to have some sarcasm spilling over your lips there."

"We wouldn't have this problem if you hadn't gotten yourself locked up. What are you even in here for anyway?"

"Something really badass..."

"...well?"

"The mall cop caught me busking again."

…

"Don't laugh at me!"

"It's hardly the _most serious _offence in America."

"I'm sorry; I'll carefully choose the next crime I commit."

"Don't let there be a next time; I'm not coming to save you again."

"No worries; my long time behind bars has made me see the light."

"How long have you been in here?"

"The last time I saw a clock it was one-thirty."

"Congrats, Robbins, you've spent a grand total of twenty minutes behind bars."

"That's it?"

"Yep. Hey, it's still longer than your most successful relationship!"

"_Ouch."_

"Too far?"

"Just a bit."

"Sorry. Anyway, why didn't you just come and hide in Danny Mango's when the cop saw you?"

"He might be big and scary but he moves quickly!"

"You might wanna start jogging more often, Zander - you got out-paced by a thirty year old."

"Psh, I could have gotten away if I wanted to."

"Sure you could have. Where is the security guard anyway? We need to get you out of here so we can practise."

"He left a while ago muttering something about a fight between a hamburger and a slice of pizza."

"So I'm going to have to wait with you even longer? _Fantastic._"

"Or you could just grab the spare keys from the desk and let me out..?"

"And end up in mall jail with you? My parents would be so proud."

"Your dad would probably freak out but your mom's awesome! She'd just high-five you!"

"Ew, do you have a thing for my mom?"

"She's a pretty hot mom…"

"Shut up, Zander."

"And I do like blondes…"

"Based on that, either Grace or Nelson is your next target."

"Oh no, I have my eye on someone a lot closer to home…"

"You're in jail right now; not quite the time for flirting."

"I thought girls found bad-boys attractive?"

"Not me, so give up while you're ahead."

"Sorry."

…

"Why are you moving towards the door?"

"Oh I was just going to go get some food before band practise…"

"Didn't we have the whole 'protect Zander' talk just a few minutes ago?"

"It's a stupid plan."

"It's fool-proof!"

"You came up with the plan so it clearly isn't."

"You're so hurtful, Baskara."

"I'm also hungry; see you in twenty minutes."

"Stevie, don't go! You went…"

* * *

"See, twenty minutes wasn't so bad was it?"

"It was the longest time I've ever spent alone."

"And I thought Kacey over-exaggerated…"

"Whatever…When you abandoned me the security guard came by and said I'm free in ten minutes."

"Finally! Oh and I stopped in Danny Mango's and got you a smoothie, so quit whining."

"You are a beautiful person, Stevie Baskara."

…

"…the smoothie won't fit through the bars."

"It will, you've just gotta do it right!"

"I think I'm intelligent enough to push a smoothie cup through bars, Zander. The cup's too big."

"You'll have to hold it for me then."

"I'm not going to feed you."

"You have to or I'll dehydrate and get ill and it'll be all your fault!"

"You're not in second grade, Zander; use proper grammar."

"Oh wondrous Stevie, would one be so kind so as to raise the cup to my lips to allow me to sip the liquid within?"

"You're such a jackass."

"Is that a 'no'?"

"Just shut up and drink."

…

"This tastes so good!"

"Yeah, I spat in it before I came in so that should give it extra flavour."

…

"I'm kidding."

"Aww…"

"'_Aww'_? I don't even wanna know why you find that disappointing."

…

"Stop wriggling your eyebrows like that."

"Right, you don't think that me being in jail is attractive."

"I don't think the point of jail is to make you look attractive, Z. It's more of a reflection time, so stop trying to flirt and reflect."

"Do you want me to sit in that corner too?"

"The Corner of Reflection; good idea, I like it. Go sit on that tile covered in dried rat's pee and think."

"Maybe next time."

"So, Zander, what have you learnt from your time in here?"

"That I need to hide from the security guard in a better place?"

"Or get a _real_ job."

"Music isn't a job, Stevie; it's a passion."

"Yeah, yeah save it for the fan-girls."

"The fan-girls would have broken me out of here."

"I've talked to you and practically _fed_ you, what more could you want?"

"I know, and I appreciate it."

"Sure you do."

"I mean, I _really_ appreciate it."

"Stop doing the eyebrows!"

"…do you hear footsteps?"

"Maybe it's the guard coming to let you out."

"Or it's a brutal mugger! Quick, Stevie, defensive position; protect my face!"

"If anyone is going to hurt you right now, it's gonna be me."

"You're all talk, Baskara."

"You know what? I'm gonna go tell the mall cop to leave you in here for a few more hours."

"Don't!"

"Let go of my hand, Zander."

"How do you get your hand so soft?"

"Slapping idiots, now let _go._"

"Is he harassing you, Miss?"

"Actually he-"

"Is her boyfriend, who she misses very much so could you let me out now?"

"I've got two more kids to throw in the cell now, so I suppose. Just _please_, for the sake of my health if nothing else, don't come back here."

"You've got it, Sir. Come on, Steve, let's go out for that nice anniversary dinner we planned."

"You're taking me out for dinner later for real!_"_

"Stop whisper-yelling; he might hear you and I don't wanna be locked up with other two criminals!"

…

"Kevin, Nelson, what are you guys doing here?"


End file.
